Dreams.

I always dream of my family. I dream of the love that I don't have anymore. I always wake up so disappointed, but I still try to make each day better than the last. It's just really hard. All I can think about is how I don't want to be here. I should have paid attention to the signs. I know that it could be worse, but right now nothing hurts more. I don't even want to go home for the holidays, because I know it's just going to hurt even more when I have to come back here. But I also know that I will be miserable if I stay here. I'm just going to keep praying for better. Maybe something will give and I won't be so miserable.
Later.

Regrets

My biggest regret is choosing to go to school in Washington, D.C. I am miserable. I am 600 miles away from my friends and family. I am so lonely. I wake up crying every day. It's so hard to keep myself motivated. It's hard to keep pushing through to the next day. I just want to go home. I keep trying to remind myself that I am strong and capable of triumphing through this, but it is so hard. I thought I could do it. I thought I could make it, but it has become harder and harder with every passing day. I was doing okay, but then bad thing after bad thing happened. My school is great, but it's not the right fit for me. I think the deterioration of my blossoming relationship was the straw that broke me. It hurt so much. I was finally beginning to love someone again. I had a reason to be happy. I was happy. It kept me trudging through each day. It was the main thing keeping me going. Now, I am trying to focus on getting all A's so that I may have a better chance at transferring home. I keep trying to stay positive, but it's so hard. I feel like I can't talk to anyone because they all keep telling me that "It gets easier," and that I just "need to give it a chance." No, I need to go home. I'm miserable. Extremely miserable. I'm tired of everyone acting like the reason I'm not happy is because I'm not giving this place. I am trying so hard. No one knows how hard I try, but nothing works. I am just miserable.

I can't post with my usual signature, because I have none of the things that it encompasses. I just have misery.

Reject.

So, I think I just experienced my first time being rejected. It was in such a rude way too. I mean, of course there is nothing I can do about it. I just feel like the guy could've been upfront with me. I feel like, that in a way, this was karma. I used to just stop talking to guys when I wasn't interested in them instead of telling them upfront. Eventually, I started feeling bad for stringing them along and hurting their feelings by abruptly cutting off communication. So, I started letting guys know upfront if I was really interested in them or not. I became a very straightforward person. Therefore, I feel like I have no right to be angry, but I just really would have preferred the guy tell me so that I could go on with my life. Like, i'm not desperate for a guy or anything. I would have gladly left you alone had you voiced that you were not interested. Gosh. I'm just really annoyed guys. I actually tried this time. I tried to be likeable and actually hold conversations. It didn't work, though. I kind of want to revert back to my introvert ways and reject every guy, but I will refrain. I can't hold past guys mistakes against future guys. I will refrain from rejecting everyone, but I am also going to focus only on school now. Dating is at the back of my mind. Well, I have some errands to run.


Dream big.

Stay Strong. 

Have Hope.

Love.

Respect.

Have you ever just felt disrespected by someone who you respect fully? Someone you feel should respect you no matter what? That's how I felt with my boyfriend. I asked him not to do something that I, personally, did not like. He did it anyway, because it was what he wanted to do. He completely disregarded my feelings for his own personal wants. He could not respect me enough to follow my wished, and it hurt me to my core. I don't even know if I can be with him anymore. How do you be with someone who doesn't respect you? I don't think I can do it. I feel like I should break up with him. I don't think it's a healthy relationship for me. If I break up with him, I don't think I will start dating anyone else. I need to be by myself for a while. I don't feel like that at this point in my life I will find someone who will fit my needs romantically. Very few people are prepared at my age for lasting relationships. Well, I need to finish up some work. I'll post again later. Until then,


Dream big.

Stay Strong. 

Have Hope.

Love.

My Best Friend.

This weekend I took a trip to go visit my best friend. I had not seen him for weeks before this weekend. It felt good to have my best friend for a day. I love and miss him so much. We had so much fun. It was just like old times. He is truly a friend that I will value forever. It doesn't matter how far apart we are, we will always remain best friends.

This weekend we mostly pigged out and watched movies. We also both got hooked on Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. And, we did what we do best. We talked about our lives. He told me about his life, and I told him about mine.  We both have issues we're dealing with, but it doesn't matter. We help each other feel better. I just hope he gets his love life together. I hope he finds someone that is great for him. The current girl he deals with apparently feels threatened by me. I learned that this weekend. She did not want to leave us alone. I found it funny and slightly sad. He and I have been friends for years. Our friendship is not ending ever. She just needs to get her life together. She may be okay for him then. I don't know. I told him about my love life problems. How my "boyfriend" doesn't want to continue the relationship if I go out of state for school, but he doesn't want to end the relationship now. My best friend agreed with me that it is basically over now. How dare the jerk try to use me.

The most important thing we did was laugh. We had a great time. I laughed at him for playing just dance with his iphone. He laughed at me for being the clumsy, silly person that I am. And the food!!!! Oh my gosh! THE. FOOD. He introduced me to this great place that serves philly cheese steaks! I FREAKIN LOVE PHILLY CHEESE STEAK!!! It. Was. A-M-A-Z-I-N-G! Food and spending time with my best friend were definitely the highlights of it all. I was really sad when I had to leave. Hopefully I can go back to visit again soon!

I hope all you are having an amazing weekend! I wish I had more to talk about, but those are the only tings I want to discuss right now. I'm in a happy mood, let's keep it that way! =)

Dream big.

Stay Strong. 

Have Hope.

Love.

New Year's Resolutions.

So, I have been trying to come up with a list of resolutions for the new year. I think I have a pretty good start:

1. Incorporate more vegetables into my diet.
• This includes a few slight changes to my diet .
2. Exercise more.
3. Be a better student. 
4. Get rid of things detrimental to my life
• People are definitely included in this one.

That is my list for now. Things can always be added to it, I guess. The first thing that I have already done is written a letter to my ex. He is the first person I need to extract from my life. He caused me so much heartbreak. The fact that sometimes he still tries to be apart of my life is more reason to throw him out of my life. I basically explained that he was a great lesson in my life. I said that I forgive him and will never contact him again. I will send it tomorrow sometime. After I send it I will delete his name from my messages and phone. I may also block him on all social media. I need this in my life. I feel like cleansing myself of that one true hope will help me overall.

Next, the veggies. I barely eat vegetables. The closest I get to them are potatoes and corn. I think I will start off by including baby spinach in my eggs. It's a small step, but a step in the right direction nonetheless. I am also going to exercise more. I need more physical exercise in my life. Thinking about joining a 24 hour gym so that I can work out whenever I have free time.

Yeah, I think my list is pretty decent. The most important points are adding veggies and eliminating detrimental things and people. The being a better student part is only for this semester.I graduate in May. Then, off to law school. That's really where the "be a better student" comes in at. Well, wish me luck guys! I have to continue studying for the LSAT now.

Dream big.

Stay Strong. 

Have Hope.

Love.

What Is Life.

All of my friends are starting to get into relationships, get engaged/married, and have kids. I'm just trying to finish my undergraduate degree and go to law school. As I sit and witness their lives, I realize that there is a pretty strong possibility that I will be that one single friend who never has kids. I will be that friend that is envious of my friends because they are happy and have families. I will be the sad, lonely friend. These are thoughts I have. Especially since I have this one friend that is particularly judgmental about my love life. She criticizes everything and swears that I lead everyone along. It's pretty horrible. She makes me feel like I am not good because I am not in a relationship. I think this for a little while, then I switch gears. Like, what is wrong with people my age? They're all running to get married and have babies when they're not even into a stable financial situation yet. I have plans that I intend to follow. And goals that I intend to achieve. When I get married and start a family, I want to be able to provide for my family. So, NO. I may not be in some great relationship right now close to marriage and kids, but I am living my life accomplishing my goals. The difference between you (all of my friends) and myself is that we travel different paths. My path is not the same as yours, and it may not go how you would like it to, but it is just that -- MY PATH.

So, to all my fellow people being judged for their paths: Stand strong and keep your head high. You may not be doing as great as you want. You may not have the relationship that you want. You may not have kids yet. BUT, do not let this get you down. You are still great. You are traveling at your own pace. Your life will go as it should. Don't let anyone take that away from you or make you second guess yourself. Continue to do what you are doing.

Dream big.

Stay Strong. 

Have Hope.

Love.